Four Saturdays

I'm listening to REM's Nightswimming while writing this, so you kinda get what mood I'm in. To compound matters further, a I'm drinking a shot of brandy from a whisky glass. Now we got ourselves some serious writing for sure.

But what to write about?

I imagine a ton of writers have asked the same question of themselves, and a notable few have been able to churn out some classics. Of course a general majority may have just wasted a few hours tapping on the keys only to throw their supposed masterpiece into the bin, which is not far from happening tonight.

Well anyway, on this chilly night, I resolve to end the writer's block that has plagued me for the past months and finally, finally post something. Of course, I doubt anybody'd read this long forgotten blog by now, which is really quite convenient for my purposes.

You've probably noticed the title, yeah that's the thing in bold letters above the post. It's a title that I came up with about 2 weeks ago. I've been carrying it around since then, pretty sure it holds the key to some mystic force that would unfold an opus. I doubt it would, though... the brandy's telling me so. But just to humor myself, I continue tapping anyway.

*****

So maybe I should start with how I thought up the title. That should get some momentum going. Well, as I already mentioned, it started 2 weeks ago - on a Saturday of course. The clock read 1am, I'm chugging some beer with a friend and a bunch of her friends whom I met for the first time. This I normally don't do, since I swore off puking in front of strangers. But then there was nothing better to do (unless I count watching porn online) so what the heck, I told myself. Well, so it was 1:01am and this guy brings out a deck of tarot cards and starts reading into the future.

Now, I don't claim to believe all that psychic mumbo jumbo or whatever else you call it, but I had nothing better to do (I was out, so no porn) anyway. I shuffled, shuffled a bit more and cut the deck. Then I was asked to lay out a certain number of cards on the table - and my future now lay before me in glossy paper cards.

*****

I woke up around 7:00am that morning. It was still Saturday. Unsurprisingly there was no breakfast waiting for me, just the sorry instant decaffeinated coffee that required a bit of effort to prep up. My sorry life indeed. But I had to make the effort not to waste away in bed that morning. I needed to get myself to our meeting place. How romantic that sounds, but it's quite literally where we were supposed to meet - because she asked me to drive for her. She could drive of course, but there was this problem with finding parking space. I was to be there as both driver and valet.

I wanted to talk myself out of it, because it was Saturday after all - the day I proclaimed would forever be reserved for spending the daytime in bed. But for some reason, this day was different. Today was something I was looking forward to the whole week.

Okay fine, for starters it was because I got to see her again. We haven't met up in a while. Not that that little fact bothered her as much as it did me, mind you. But once you've set your mind to believe that every chance might be the one that finally pays off, you kinda get your hopes up a bit.

I got there as slowly as I could. Not late or anything, but just some stupid need to make the most of the time daydreaming and conjuring up best scenarios. The bus helped out a lot, taking its time creeping through the empty avenue making sure each and every potential passenger was stopped for. I got there just in time, turns out the itinerary had changed. She had to go to the hospital to check on her mom.

No, today wasn't gonna be that day.

I had a choice, take the next bus home or come with. Well, as much as I wanted to crawl back into bed the polite thing to do was go with her, I supposed. And so I did.

I must sound so cruel and heartless to you folks. Though at times I am, this was not one of them. Truth is, I've absolutely no use in the hospital for her or her mother. I'd just be in the way. I just tagged along to say hi to her mom, who I figure would remember me as that poor sap hanging around her daughter.

Well anyway, there I was sitting alone at the lobby, waiting for nothing. Things happened so fast that I was unable to take leave, until I had no choice but wait for anyone to come out so I could excuse myself. The vending machine was two floors down, I can't risk going there and missing the chance to say goodbye. I had to endure watching the cute nurses gossip at the triage for a full hour, such an ordeal.

Finally, she came out. I took my leave and proceeded back to my miserable life.

*****

It was afternoon by the time I willed myself to take another shower. I had a date, well a friendly, platonic afternoon date. That mattered little, though. I got out of the shower and realized there wasn't anything to eat. That wasn't really a surprise but it's still disheartening.

So for the day, I only had a cup of decaf.

Good thing was, we were meeting at the foodcourt. So I guess I can grab a sandwich or something when I got there. Not a problem.

Let me tell you a bit about this other girl - she's absolutely the sweetest thing. So sweet, in fact that I have trouble imagining her in a porn flick. I'd start to think of her in a PG18 kind of way and end up slapping myself for such a blasphemous transgression. Which kind of sucks, but heck if there was absolutely anything that I could hold sacred, then I know I've still got a sliver of a chance of getting into heaven. So she was my ticket, in a twisted kind of way.

I'm such a gentleman, ain't I?

I get there, holding an orange. Yeah, an orange. A few days ago, we were texting and she "sounded" all happy and giddy. When I asked her why, she said she had some oranges that afternoon. I sorta promised that the next time we'd meet I'd make sure to give her an orange so I would be sure she'd be happy that day. Yeah, that's how dorky I am around her.

So anyway, here I was holding on to the orange for dear life. I was holding on to it for a full hour now, through the bus ride and while making my way inside the maze they call a mall. I got a few looks from strangers, but what did I care? I was here on a mission - to make her smile and say how sweet I was.

Back to the story, I'm there, holding the orange in my left hand and waving hi to her, and her friends. Apparently, she and I had a different idea of what a date is supposed to be like. Her friends saw the orange in my hand, I almost juiced it right there and then.

Looking back, they took it well. Better than I did, really. I'm not sure if they had any reason to take it otherwise but I pretended that they were as bummed as I was at the beginning, having to make small talk with "orange man". So I saw an opportunity, I asked them if we should order some food.

"Didn't you have lunch yet?"
"Oh yeah, I did. But maybe you wanna grab some snacks?" At this point, I'm not entirely sure why the hell I had to lie. Probably some part of me wanted her not to worry about me. All the rest of me was grumbling in hunger, though.
"We were thinking about going back to see our house. They haven't been there yet."

What I really wanted to say was: Fuck them! I'm hungry and I wanna woof down a friggin' steak, okay?!

"Oh ok, sure let's do that!" A collective groan echoed within each cell of my body. What a pushover! I probably haven't mentioned this, but she lives an hour away. I wanted to take back the orange from her and bite through it like an apple and swallow without chewing.

So there we were, lounging around her house. Them laughing it up recalling those good old days. I managed to smile despite my grumbling tummy. When they finally asked if we should go have a bite somewhere, I nearly bolted out the door like a dog in heat.

*****

I was on a bus again, heading to the pool hall. Me and some friends of mine have this weekly game going. There's really not much to it, just shooting some balls while yapping about whatever caught our fancy. There was something that I looked forward to tonight, though. I could give you three guesses, but I reckon you only need one.

And there she was, handling the cue stick with such care and finesse that I looked like a caveman swinging a club around the pool hall. It amazes me how such small slender hands could beat the crap out of me at a game that is generally thought of as masculine (c'mon, ball and sticks?!). The only strategy that was left to me really was to act all goofy and shit that they'd find me cute enough to spare from humiliation. But girls nowadays? They kick a man while he's down and out for the count, just for giggles and shit.

Well, there was booze, which was a good enough consolation prize as any.

The deeper this Saturday night got, the more pathetic I was becoming. Surprisingly, it turns out okay. She had correctly judged that I was in no way a threat to her ultimate goal of world domination, and we got closer. Kinda like a defenseless puppy or kitten.

Whatever works is fine with me, I always say.

*****

I sort of skipped the part about the tarot cards, didn't I?

Well, I picked out seven cards, four of which were women. They were pretty powerful chicks if I should say so (without offending the fairer sex as much as I could handle). Apparently I am cursed, probably even destined, to submit to the will of these women without a chance at redemption.

At the end though, there is a chance that I could emerge all the better. It boils down to how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

Cruelly, this is as far as the tarot cards would tell me. No descriptions, no dates, no identities. All it would say is that in the coming days, a choice has to be made. Unfortunately, I have to do the choosing.

*****

:-)

Apparently, "Evil" is my middle name

According to the opinions of a lot of people, I am pure evil. Yes, a few more steps until I become the antichrist. A lot of stuff I do (or don't) has been regarded as despicable in general opinion. Frankly, it's come to a point wherein I no longer care. If I'm going to hell, I'm sure there are a lot of other folks down there with me.

Anyway, to the curious, I'm listing down the stuff that the general public consider evil:

1. I work for a multinational company.

Ah yes, corporate greed! I earn a decent enough living doing a decent enough job, but am accused of fueling the excesses of the capitalist pig. Furthermore, I'm in sales, which is akin to having one foot planted firmly in hell (while the other keeps you from closing the door in my face). Millions are starving because of people like me. I employ unfair efficient practices to put local companies out of business. What's worse is that I allow precious capital to flow out and into the coffers of my bosses up in the developed world.

And all this Occupy Wall Street crap isn't helping. There the people speak, condemning huge corporations and vowing to stop the global economy in its tracks. If the wheels of the world suddenly stops turning and I find myself out of a job, it's called sweet justice.

Funny though that these people use Twitter and Facebook to spread the word on their iPhones and other neat gadgets that I can't afford. It's not like some hippie couple are cranking out tablets and touchscreen phones out of their kitchen, while their neighbor powers the world wide web using a hand loom and waterwheel.

2. I take the bus or hail a cab to get to where I'm going, plus the fact that I'm saving up for a car.

Because getting from point A to B on your bicycle is the only conscientious way to go. It doesn't emit any greenhouse gas, and no environmentally exploitative measures were necessary to churn out the finite fossil fuel chugged down by a modern internal combustion engine. Most important, it's the healthy alternative.

Never mind that these people usually strap their bikes on top or behind their big-ass SUV's so they can haul it to the park to ride a couple of miles in a circle. Or that the energy expended by their bodies while biking has an equivalence in the amount of daily calories they require which puts greater strain on agricultural resources and the food processing industry, causing prices to rise.

As a disclaimer, I don't claim that a food shortage is imminent once we get everybody riding two-wheelers. I simply want these people to think about something else than bother me about the daily commute. And specially when my eyes sparkle when a Porsche 911 passes me by while crossing the street. *Sigh*

3. My porn collection.

So fine, I watch a "healthy" amount of porn. I subscribe to an industry that by nature objectifies and demeans women, secretaries, Japanese schoolgirls, nurses in short white outfits, librarians, yoga instructors, flight attendants, French maids, female police officers, lingerie models, english tutors, girls next door, cowgirls, naughty college coeds and all the other healthy, fit and fun-loving ladies out there. (I could have gone on and on... but it was getting a bit difficult to concentrate on writing)

But no matter how much porn I watch, it's not like I disrespect women nor prey on them. I have all the respect for the female of the species, and can peacefully coexist with them on a platonic level.

Besides, I've been cutting back lately, I swear!

4. I eat meat.

Alas, I am all the weaker for doing so. Unlike vegans and the like, I have a weakness for a medium rare steak and pork chops. And because of this, I have killed in order to selfishly sustain my foolhardy existence.

The fact that I get as giddy as a schoolgirl when in line at the eat all you can buffet makes me all the more sinister. Little kids and vegans cry while I baste my porkchops with catsup, and butter up the already juicy steak! Porky Pig and Mr. Moo are my victims, and that's just breakfast.

And because of this I'm fat. And people don't like us fatties, because we take up too much space and eat way too much resources. And whenever we wipe our mouths after a bite of a double cheeseburger, vegetarians get up in our faces and inform us that we should be ashamed of our butchering ways. That we should be less of ourselves and more like them. Because they're just fit and fab and perfect.

5. I don't go to church.

I don't. I'm not Christian, not Muslim, not Buddhist, not atheist either. I'm just a plain believer, content to communicate in my own way with the Lord. But of course, this doesn't sit well with the vast majority. Because I don't go to church, I'm evil and hate Him and thus I hate all the world that He created. My church-less Sundays are spent aborting fetuses, lambasting beggars, stealing candy from babies and spitting in the faces of orphans. Oh yes, and I run over cute little puppies and kittens in my spare time.

I don't do any of those things in the last sentence of the preceding paragraph, by the way.

6. I love to put my feet up and relax on the couch.

During my brief siesta spent dreaming about burgers and the girl next door, people claim I should put more effort in making this world a better place. There's always a peace rally to go to, orphans to feed, houses and shelters to build and kittens to adopt. My laziness is directly impeding any progress that could benefit the world. We are stuck in this quagmire because I chose not to do anything.

So people try to make me become more productive. Work harder, give more, have more patience and voice out my opinions for the general good louder. But I don't do as much, I intentionally try to enjoy time for myself. Maybe even catch a few minutes of porn while I'm at it. You can imagine how that doesn't sit too well with the kittens.

7. I smoke and drink alcohol.

Because it is one of the things I enjoy, and calms me, and gives me something to do while thinking. Of course, other people have their own interpretation. While standing in the smoking area, having a stick, some people think I intentionally do this so I could blow smoke in their faces. Like I'm boasting about my right to kill myself if I want to, and taking them down with me in the process via second hand smoke. When people walk up to me while I'm enjoying a drag whilst IN a smoking area to tell me that I should extinguish it, I don't get why they just don't get on with their lives across on their no-smoking side of the parking area and leave me be.

For their information, I didn't intentionally light up to inconvenience them. In fact, I consider myself a considerate enough smoker. I don't smoke when there are lots of people around, and I consciously steer clear of any non-smokers. I even always carry a tictac with me so they won't think ill of my ashtray breath when I have to talk to them. So I don't get why they celebrate when I'm forced to stub out my Marlboro because I'm entering a public space or an enclosed area. My health is my own problem, and when you want to talk to me during my cigarette break responsibly spent in the properly designated smoking area, please just call me on my cell.

*****

And so to all you self-righteous folks out there, I guess I'm going to hell. Too bad though, if I only put a little more effort into it, I might be nominated as a real bad-ass antichrist.

All I want for Christmas...

Because it's almost Christmas, I'm making a list of the things I want:

1. New threads and shoes for the office.

Yeah, I'm tired of rotating my limited wardrobe. There are only about 7 shirts that I wear with 2 pairs of pants. Heck, my friend's dog has more stuff to wear than I do.

2. An Escalade.

Sometimes, I do tire of taking the bus. On rainy days and on sunny ones. Heck, there are only 2 seasons in this country and apparently commuting is a hassle on both. Maybe an Escalade is over the top, but hopefully with such a lofty target I might end up getting a 2nd hand Hyundai. Beats the bus for sure.

3. A new sofa.

Lately, I've been sleeping on the couch. I find that this little trick enables me to wake up faster. Trouble is the couch is a bit too small that I can't really stretch myself out. Then again, maybe if I get a better couch, I fall back into not waking up as fast. But if it's gonna make the living room look better, what the hell...

4. A better mousetrap.

Surely everyone can appreciate this one.

5. A bigger apartment.

Not that I need one, but I've always wanted a bigger pad. Something like the enormous space Tom Hanks had in the movie "Big". I've always wanted to have enough space for a bowling alley someday, plus I can do all my jogging indoors, too.

6. A ginormous LCD television.

Porn will never be the same once I get my hands on one of those babies!

7. A yacht.

I've always wanted to use the words 'starboard' and 'anchors away'. Plus I hear these toys are virtually irresistible to models. I already have my camera, you know...

8. A real kitchen, with the cast iron skillets and all.

Hmm, this must have a lot to do with the food channel if you ask me.

9. A self-cleaning mop.

There are few things more irritating that having to clean a mop. For one thing, it's been busy cleaning up the things you didn't want to get your hands on so why the heck would I want to touch it now? Mickey had it spot on in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" or whatever flick that was.

10. A pet hamster.

Okay, this little bugger's been on my list for ages. But I'm just not sure I can handle all that responsibility yet.

*****

I had really something witty and grand to end this with... but now I'm sleepy and forgot what the heck it was supposed to be. My fault, each time I listed down one of the wishes above I took a lot of time imagining that I already had it and daydreamed about what I was gonna do.

Oh well, there's always next year.