Whatever Happened To... Freddie Prinze, Jr.?!

First of all, apologies to Chris over at Knuckleheadhumor.com for the title. He has a continuing "Whatever Happened To..." series which is just hilarious! In my defense (just in case he sues me or anything...), the succeeding post is not in the mold of these biographies of his. For starters, the title is in the form of a... well, whatever it is you call that. And, well, it's not nearly as funny as any of Chris' tales. If that's not enough to stop a lawsuit, I'm going to run around the block butt-naked in a bit and report myself for indecent exposure, a side-effect of my current, temporary insanity.

*****

It was the year 2002, I was still in college. (and by "still in college", I meant that I was STILL IN COLLEGE after 8 friggin' years!) Like all college losers, I had a crush on a particular girl in my class. Let's call her Rachel Leigh Cook. (Obviously not her real name, but since this is my blog, I'll call her whatever the hell I want to) We hung out often, chatted on the phone for hours and seemed on the way to a deeper relationship. That is, until Freddie Prinze, Jr. showed up.

No, Freddie wasn't in our class. I didn't even know the guy, and neither did she. Freddie was an ocean away, living his glamorous life filled with hot girls, fast cars and even more hot girls. I was in the third-world, more concerned about where the next beer was coming from, and constantly on the alert for some new, innovative ways to cheat on my exams.

Now, some afternoons when I'm stumped and bored, I invite myself over at Rachel's place and we just hang out. This was not only something that women contrive of as being "sweet", but the fact that it costs next to nothing and you might even get a free meal and beverage out of it made it a really popular thing with me. Usually we'd just babble about stuff, talk about whatever was going on in class and all that girly crap, but then one afternoon, she made a proposition that sounded like a good idea. She had a copy of "She's All That" on VCD, a movie starring Freddie, and asked if I would like to watch it with her.

Apparently, I just said yes to what was to be a rotten lifetime ahead.

It was the usual girl-boy high school plot, the type where the girl-hates-the-guy-then-the-guy-does-something-nice-and-suddenly-she's-madly-in-love-with-him type of movie. What's unusual is that the guy in this movie is not of the typical loser-to-winner mold. He's Zach Siler, captain of the soccer varsity, 4th highest GPA in class, heading off to the Ivy League school of his choice. He's got a really cool jeep, great hair, his girlfriend is the hottest chick in school, and of course, a shoo-in for prom king. He's no Lloyd Dobbler, and I hate him.

Unfortunately, my feelings for this Zack Siler guy is quite the opposite to what Rachel Leigh Cook's is. Also unfortunate, that I am obviously no Zack Siler.

The years pass by, and I eventually graduate. Freddie Prinze, Jr.'s star dims somewhat, but I remember Zack Siler as if it were yesterday. Life was unfair, and Zach Siler was the most glaring proof of it. Whenever something disheartening befell me, I immediately place the blame on this guy. He was the reason why I'm unhappy at work, why poor little children all around the world were starving, responsible for the existence of ignorance and discrimination, and ultimately, the cause of male-pattern baldness and impotence. A neighbor of mine once asked me what they should name their soon-to-be-born baby boy. I suggested 'Zack Siler', and spent a whole afternoon dreaming up all the ways I would torture the little guy throughout his miserable lifetime.

Then a few weeks back, I experienced something really terrible. They ran out of sesame seed buns for a Big Mac during my lunch break. I settled for some regular buns... it just wasn't the same. I didn't have to look far to know who the culprit was, there was only one suspect, my old nemesis, Zack Siler. I figured it was about time that I settled the score with this pretty boy, to put fairness and the law of averages back in the world and stop persecution, war, famine and most importantly an outbreak of ugly babies.

I figured that the best way to track this guy down was to contact him through the man who played him in the movie, suddenly Freddie Prinze, Jr. comes into the picture. I googled him, looked up his twitter account, and put down an unflattering entry on him on wikipedia. Then I opened up youtube.com, and saw the most baffling sight: There was Freddie, up on the ring at the WWE, as a guest announcer. He gained a bit of weight, hairline receding, and was pretty much unknown to a good number of the underage bunch of delinquents that made up the audience. He had been busying himself with the WWE instead of making movies and television shows. Now here he is, engaging Randy Orton in a verbal tussle. Talk about low.

But before I could make any sense of the whole situation, Randy Orton kicked his ass, HARD. He instantly fell to the canvass, quivering like a leaf, worst acting job I've ever seen even by fake-wrestling standards.

It's insanely frustrating when the one thing that you've always known as fact, the only absolute truth, that one constant in the universe, suddenly comes into question and gets ass-kicked to pieces. This Freddie Prinze, Jr. guy, the embodiment of Zach Siler, the root of all that is evil and wrong in the world, beaten up and publicly humiliated by someone who wears Spandex for a living? Now all my beliefs, the structure and ideals in my life that was carefully and painstakingly crafted out of a deep-rooted hate for this character Zack Siler, have come crumbling down.

So riddle me this: whatever the hell happened to Freddie Prinze, Jr.?!!!