The universe is against me

It's almost an hour before I go out for a walk. Yes, walk. Sounds like something you take your dog out for on a lazy Monday afternoon, only during my walk, no one has to pick up after myself. This is the walk of a man who knows he's drunk too much alcohol and inhaled an awful lot of tar and nicotine. A feeble attempt to at least salvage an ounce of health.

Of course, I thought eating junk food and helping myself to some cigarettes before my walk is called for. Stupid, I know.

*****

My walking buddy hasn't called or texted me yet if indeed, the walk is on. Maybe he's still asleep, after all he did consume as much alcohol and nicotine as I had this weekend. Or maybe he's just too lazy to. I know I would. I'm secretly hoping that he'd call the whole thing off, so he'd bear the guilt of reneging on our health deal. Then I could open a bottle of scotch and buy another half-pack of ciggies.

*****

Hmm, in a serendipitous twist of fate, it rains. Surely this is a sign from on high that it's okay to cancel the walk. Somehow, it's all going to be okay so just lie down on the soft sofa, watch the idiot box and relax. There's nothing like the pitter-patter of raindrops to lull myself to sleep, and the sweet smell of the earth rises and blends in with the cool gentle breeze.

I'm pretty certain as to the walk's non-existence that I lay down in bed and snooze.

*****

Now I'm all eaten up and guilty, because I promised myself a stupid walk and I couldn't keep it. I didn't even ask myself to jog because I know it'd be harder to keep, but back out from a walk? This is just pathetic, how lower could I possibly go?

And then I go call delivery. I guess it does go worse.

Well at least go for something healthy and all that, how about a salad? On the other hand, I'll bet it'll be all soggy and gooey by the time it gets here. Burgers? Pizza? Noodles? There just isn't enough healthy choices around here. Maybe I should just make myself some soup? However, I just realized how much preservative there must be in a pack of instant soup.

And in a stalemate, I text my sister to rustle me up some grub from the convenience store at the corner. She should be on her way home in an hour or so, might as well ask her to get a hotdog sandwich, hmm, maybe some dimsum while she's at it? That'd just be great with instant noodle soup.

Wait, why don't I walk over to the 7-11 myself? That's sort of a walk, all 50 paces of it, isn't it? Then I could also get my fill, right? It's just perfect, and a great way to multi-task! I'm just so smart!

*****

If you guessed that I still didn't move, you'd be correct. I was going to, even made an effort to change my moth-eaten shirt, but the laws of inertia are just too hard to overcome, that's just how the laws of physics work. Who am I to go against the universe, right? So I texted my sister to just bring my food on her way back from work. And here I am, still in front of the computer, browsing through the fantastic collection they keep over at youporn.