Gracias, Senor Tequila.

A couple of nights ago, I found myself staring down into the toilet at what was left of the burger I had for dinner. My gut was heaving but nothing came out, and as reached up to rise to the sink, I expected to see my 19 year old self appear in the mirror. Nope, there I was, still making a mess of myself 15 years later.

Admittedly, it kinda felt stupid.

I thought I was past all this, that I've matured enough to know when enough was enough. And most especially the fact that tequila was, is, and will always be my most sworn enemy. I was almost ashamed to open the door and walk back to the party. But then again, the loud knocking at the door told me to get my ass out of there. Fine, let me just flush that burger down the toilet...

*****

Despite the tattered memory, the badass hangover, the taste of bile in my mouth and a wasted Sunday, Saturday night's party was a blast! (From the bits and pieces of what I remember from it anyway) And I needed it, badly.

For a time, I was feeling a bit tired of the whole "routine". The waking up, working, household chores, a bit of television and the sleeping. It got to the point that even the weekends were governed by a compelling need to fill a schedule and put things in an certain order. Little did I realize until now that I wasn't living the life, rather life was having its way with me. To use a metaphor, I was letting the bus take me where it wanted to go rather than me using the bus to get to where I was supposed to be. (Okay bad metaphor, I might still be a bit hung over)

Right then, with my head down looking at the toilet water and the alcohol-laden contents of my stomach, I realized that I had to take control over my life again. Somehow I let some bus driver hypnotize me with some on-board movie while he took the controls.

*****

Before jumping to any conclusions, no I'm not quitting my job to hop on some Eat, Pray, Love mission. Nor will I embrace the life of a party-boy. And most importantly I won't be going to the opera or watch a play to 'experience culture'. It's just a minor adjustment to my world view, a fine-tuning to how I make everyday decisions.

For instance, when ordering take-out why not pick out something that I've never tried before rather than the usual? Why wait 2 days before calling a girl to ask her out? Or think up excuses why I shouldn't get out of the house on a sunny Saturday morning. For a time, I've let what I thought I should be doing get in the way of what I really wanted to do or to become.

Yesterday, while nursing a giant hangover, I realized that I have been doing some of those things little by little. In the past couple of weeks, I've been using my college acquaintances and contacts to add to my professional network. This used to be taboo for me, because I believed I could do it on my own lest someone accuse me of being a user. So far, no one's been thinking that and as it turns out I have actually helped out as much as they've assisted me. The past month I've also adjusted my attitude with my subordinates at work, from trying to be everybody's friendly boss to letting them know that I'm not going to do their job for them. On the home front, instead of torturing myself in trying to fit everything in place, I threw a lot of stuff I didn't really need out.

These little things, though I didn't realize it at the time, felt so liberating.

*****

Funny how a dose of stupidity can knock some sense into a person. In my case, it's taught me that instead of all the posturing and imagery, what I should really be concentrating on is being my own person once again. Just like that 19 year old who didn't know any better but was just wise enough to know what the more important things in life were.

"It is only with the heart that one can see clearly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." - The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery