Hap’s Listening Post

A dear friend of mine accused me recently of being too dramatic. (“inarte” actually) Of course I denied it outright, blaming stress and a hectic schedule. In the weeks before that, I was already noticing that something had changed in my attitude and behavior. I was feeling tired, agitated and frustrated all at the same time. Paranoia was setting in and I was suddenly in a constant state of panic that I slept less and less and was restless for days. I was burning out and depressed.

This was new to me, even on the verge of being kicked out of college, I don’t remember having been subjected to this amount of stress. My usual apathy and happy go lucky attitude usually keep me balanced enough not to worry as much as I should.

Fortunately, I realized the situation was getting out of hand before I broke down and ruined my life. (well, that is still a possibility) I needed to think about the situation and find a way to resolve it. So I hung out at a gas station one night and just sat there, thinking what was wrong with me:

1. I had stopped eating carbs and drinking much less alcohol in an attempt to bring down my weight. This probably led to some withdrawal symptoms coupled with a lack of energy source in my diet. Thus, physiologically, I was starving myself to depression.
2. I was thinking too much of money, which is the reason why I took on more writing jobs, which was turning my brain to jelly on a daily basis.
3. I was thinking too much of money because I was trying to pay off my credit cards as well as saving up for the home I was buying and getting myself that home theater. Also, with my birthday coming up, I was nowhere near my target budget and wanted to do something about it. Then my pocket vacations also required some cash to be left over after all the bills. All that thinking of where the money was going to come from took its tool on my jelly-brain.
4. I was nowhere near my target for work and my boss was already pressuring me to do something about it. Of course, I could always argue that the recession took its toll, but I am not fond of making excuses for my shortcomings and neither is my boss one eager to accept it.
5. My social life was non-existent because of all the work, so not much time to unwind. I got home in the wee hours of the morning and was getting less and less sleep.

Of course there are also other factors, but for the meantime, lets concentrate on the above. So now I am trying to eliminate these factors one at a time:

1. I started to exercise again, coaxing my body to use up its reserve energy instead of cutting off consciousness. I figure this will allow me to keep my diet while giving me enough energy on a daily basis.
2. I try not to think of money, I stopped planning for future purchases and looked for other options to better manage my finances.
3. I slowed down on my writing stint and had already turned down additional work for the time being. Am also not stressing on my backlog, sorry bro.
4. Am concentrating on some long term goals at work, nothing I can do much about the present, but this will be a great help for the rest of the year. (Still some pressure there, though, I will be traveling a whole lot the rest of the year for work)
5. Found time to hang out with some friends last week over some beers. Needed to unwind. Also began writing more for myself, some uploaded to this blog while the rest for my own personal entertainment.

Pardon me if I seem a bit cranky, I’m still ironing out the kinks. Hopefully it works out well, don’t think I can afford therapy.