Hot Siberian Sex!

One day I passed by a pet shop while on a quest to find some shoes. I ignored the tropical fishes, whining dogs and the seemingly dead siamese and went straight for the hamsters. Wasn't going to buy one yet, though, just wanted a mental (and nasal) picture of what I was getting myself into in the future. There they were, in all their stinking glory. Oversized cotton balls with beady eyes and small incisors. Then as I was scanning the cage for the cost of taking one of the furballs home, the name of their particular specie struck me: "Siberian Hamsters".

Now, I may never have (nor will) been to Siberia, but the name invokes a sense of dread. A vast frozen wilderness where whole mammoths had been mummified underneath meters of pack ice. Home of the harshest and cruelest Soviet prisons and slave labor camps, where escape meant a cold death in mere hours. Only the hardiest beasts, trees and bushes could survive this godless terrain, and yet I am to believe that these pathetic little hamsters roamed wild and free alongside Siberian tigers?

Okay, this can't be real, can it? Surely it's just a fancy name given it to compliment its thick white fur. So I google it, and just can't believe they do come from Siberia! If there was any argument that could easily turn the tide against Darwinists, this is it, for sure.

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Wait, maybe I'm being too harsh on these vermin. Maybe they do have some special qualities that allow them to survive in such terrible conditions. Sure, it's a cold cold COLD place, where vegetation is scarce and predators plenty, but if they still aren't extinct, then I guess they've been doing something right all these years. Lemme think about this a bit.

Hmmm...

Maybe it's... nah!

Or could it be because of... can't be!

Nope, not that either.

How about... wait, no, impossible as well.

Well, after much thought, there seems to be only one logical explanation to the continued survival of these rodents, and it's because of sex. Yep, you heard me, S-E-X. If there's anything these furry things are good at, it's humping the living daylights out of each other. It keeps them warm, keeps their population in record numbers and the agony of having to watch two rodents going at it is enough of a god-awful sight to keep predators at bay. As for food, have you ever met anyone who would pass up good old sex for a friggin' blade of grass? Didn't think so.

There, mystery solved.

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Wow, it sure seems great being a hamster. Cold? Sex. Hungry? Sex. Big Bad Wolf? Sex. Holy shit a polar bear just came by and ate a million of our species, thereby decimating the population!? Sex. I'm beginning to think that if there were really such a thing as reincarnation, the best deal you could get is to come back as a cute and cuddly little hamster. None of the neediness and spiritual fulfillment crap that we often ramble and complain about. All that you need to be concerned with is hitting that and this and that and that other one and making sure that hamster-kind goes on to outlive these pathetic humans, just as they probably did the dinosaurs.

Who the heck needs opposable thumbs!?