Funny you should ask...

I should have started writing this post half an hour ago, I turned on the computer, logged-in, and started staring at the blank page when all of a sudden, I spied the peanut jar just sitting there, coaxing me. I paused and focused on it, their shiny dark skins were peppered with small crystals of salt, I could almost smell the roasted garlic and taste the spicy oil that coated each one. My hands moved away from the keyboard and reached for it, the clear jar slightly cool to the touch, and with opposable thumbs, the lid came undone... exposing the delectable treats for my satisfaction. Yummy.

Now that that's over and done with...

*****

No thanks to beer and fast-food, I'm once again moving up the scales. I'm using stress as an excuse this time, because it's vague and almost everyone complains about it once in a while, making it absolutely convenient. So after much procrastination, I've decided to do something about it by way of another diet plan. Less carbs and no dinner, that should do the trick in a month or so. Any questions?

Q: So how about evenings out for beer with friends?
A: Beers are exempted from the moratorium on carbs, and beer nights are not considered dinner. So unless I eat my friends to go with the beers, there should be no problem.

Q: Do you plan to exercise along with the diet?
A: I always plan to exercise, In fact, I planned on exercising just 5 minutes ago.
Q: So did you?
A: Hell no, planning to exercise is tiring enough already.

Q: How much have you gained, anyway?
A: Chug down a whole case of beer in 3 consecutive nights, you'll get the answer.

Q: Why diet? You're perfect the way you are!
A: Yes I am. But you know, sometimes it's nice to feel imperfect, so humanizing.

Q: What foods do you recommend is best for breakfast and lunch?
A: Food that once lived, roamed the land or seas, then died a bloody death.

Q: Are there any other exemptions to the no-carb rule other than beer?
A: There are a lot, in fact. Other alcoholic beverages with the exception of girly mixed drinks are okay. Also, 'halo-halo' is not considered carbs. Pizza, if of the thin crust variety, is also exempted for as long as they're generously topped with bits and pieces of dead animals.

Q: So what about bar chow? Beers are great with bar chow, aren't they?
A: Yes they are, but I only limit myself to the non-"carby" ones. And peanuts.

Q: Why are peanuts okay?
A: Do you really want to know?
Q: Yes.
A: Cause they make you poop.

Q: Isn't this an unhealthy way of losing weight?
A: Getting hit by a car while jogging is unhealthy as well.

Q: Why not go to the gym?
A: First, because they cost an arm and a leg. Second, they don't serve beer.

Q: What's your motivation for losing weight?
A: You, fatty.

Q: What's your target weight?
A: When my bathroom scale stops yelling at me to get off.

Q: Any thoughts on liposuction?
A: I hate needles, and what is it really but a really big one? Plus, it costs an arm, a leg and my left nut.

Q: What's the first thing you're going to do when you get down to your desired weight?
A: Order everything they've got at McDonald's for a midnight snack.