Working it

My boss sort of reprimanded me a few days ago, apparently I wasn't working too hard. He notices I've been in the office a lot, on time even. Reports submitted on time, cooperation with the operational side of things have been better, and the imminent expansion of our branches and services is getting along fine. I couldn't agree more with him, I do need to work harder.

His idea of work entails:

1. Going out to play more golf
2. Getting together with clients and guzzling a few pints with them
3. Attending more "fellowship" meetings (which are actually parties thrown by all these associations and groups where you drink even more booze)
4. Staying away from my desk, all to be able to do more of the above.

*Sigh*

Work is so damn hard.

Sure, you're probably thinking of how lucky I am to have this job. But trust me, it's not at all easy. Sometimes, I wish I were just some drone in a cubicle "processing" something, being told what to do and how exactly to do it. Hanging out at the water cooler or the pantry, catching up with all the office gossip and planning some new way to irritate the receptionist. Ahh... life's so much simpler that way.

*****

The mere fact that kids rarely think of themselves growing up to a career in sales is enough for me to realize that I didn't get that job I've always wanted. This might be a result of watching mom an afternoon at home, shouting curses at the encyclopedia salesman telling him to get his foot off the door. Sure she might get rid of this guy now, but a few moments later the vacuum cleaner salesman is ringing on the bell and knocking on the door (tapping the window, too), and I think to myself no way am I going to end up like that loser. Fast forward a few decades and I look in the mirror and think Jehovah's Witness. Crap.

How did I get here, anyway? What sort of education did I get to land this gig? How bad was I in the past life to be reincarnated sandwiched between "anti-christ" and "pond-scum"? Well, as a public service, I present to you the steps to how I got here:

1. Never listen to your parents

A good gauge of knowing how much you listen to them is by counting how many times your name is called (or shouted) out aloud in instances such as "Hap, go take a bath!", or "Hap, stop playing in the rain!", sometimes "Hap, sewer rat is not a pet!". My favorite would have to be "Hap, stop that or I'll ______!!!", usually succeeded by a loud thud or slap.

2. Be invisible in high school

The cool kids end up as drunks or work the family business into its ruin. The nerds and geeks inherit the earth and become filthy rich. Us invisible kids end up working for these nerds, selling utterly useless stuff to the cool kids, accelerating their downward spiral.

3. Get wasted in college

The best way to prepare for any exam is to loosen up with some alcohol the night before. You deaden your senses for the failure you are to become even if you did study anyway.

4. Make sure you get the most out of college

Simple, you try to get the most years you can possibly get out of college without getting kicked out. Alcohol is recommended. Some of my batchmates became doctors and lawyers already while I was still an undergrad, on appeal to be re-admitted as a student.

5. Learn to beg

Doesn't matter what your begging for, it might be for a passing grade, for the folks to let you use the car, a hooker's (or to be PC: exotic dancer) phone number, the Dean to not kick you out of school or for your dad to stop hitting you on your backside with his belt. Remember, selling is begging.

*****

Sometimes, I wake up and hate myself for my job. With the weight of my golf bag on my fragile shoulders, forgetting to remove the spikes from my shoes, I head over to the bar and order another round of beers for our table. Life can't be reduced to hitting balls, eating bar chow and drinking beers, can it?. Who the heck wants to be a salesman?