Consolation Prize

So I had a late night yesterday, got home past 3am and woke up way beyond when I should have. When I did wake up, all I could do was bitch about how late I was for my meeting, which was scheduled to have started an hour ago. So I run down to the garage, and I find my car's splash-guard (or whatever that stupid plastic cover underneath the bumper is called) hanging loose and on the concrete. A stupid cat had this great idea to crawl up my car's engine and wreck the darn thing. Someone shoot me now, please?

*****

It's not a total loss, though. The events leading up to me getting home so 'early' was a real eye-opener. (No, I didn't go to a strip club last night...) Turns out, underneath all that tough-as-rusty-nine-inch-friggin'-nails attitude, lesbians are, essentially, just as vulnerable and whiny and bitchy as your regular straight girls.

I bet I had you at lesbian.

*****

So my lesbian friend texted me early yesterday evening for drinks. Sure, I said, what's up? Her girlfriend just dumped her sorry ass. This was gonna be exciting, I thought.

You see, this friend of mine, if she were a straight female, would actually score pretty decent marks on the "hottie-meter", and her ex wasn't too bad either. A few months ago, I went out drinking with the both of them and, well, I kept feeding them alcohol in hopes of watching some real-live girl-on-girl action.

Easy now fellas, no kiss and tell on this post. (I've got another blog for those. *wink wink*. Nah... just kidding.)

*****

I get to the bar first, and order up some light beer (because I was trying to trim down) and tofu. She storms in about 10 minutes later, calls out the waiter, and asks for a man-sized, 'this-ain't-no-sissy-little-lite-beer' brew (Only because moonshine wasn't available, I'm guessing) and a whole batch of bad-ass, deep-fried pork belly.

You could probably surmise that the only reason I'm still on her friend list is because she thinks I'm gay too. Anyway...

So she starts yapping and spewing all sorts of cuss words at her recent ex, her mouth glistening with pork fat and chugging her ice-cold beer in the process. I feign interest, waiting for the opportune time to tell her I'm totally on her side and ask for said ex's number, you know, to give her a piece of my mind, of course. (Am I not such a swell friend?) She goes on, declaring that she didn't need her, that she could walk off the face of the earth for all she cares. She could do better, and will!

She calms down after the fifth beer or so. And we go back to our usual topics, the 'babes', a new piercing she had done last week, this cheapo sleazy bar she discovered, the wisdom within dialectic materialism and such. We got bored, and after some more beers, moved to this cheapo, sleazy bar that she had talked about for some videoke. It was a blast at first, we practically had the mic to ourselves the whole night, and we sang every song we could think up.

Until she chose the song 'Everybody Hurts' as sung by The Corrs, and it all went downhill from there.

Right smack in the middle of the song, around the part where Andrea croons "If you're all alone/in this life...", my lesbian friend had her breakdown. She stutters and sobs how unfair it is that she's all alone, while still holding the mic to her mouth. I would've given a thousand bucks for a video camera right around then.

The next hour was a really long one as you might have guessed:

Her: "She left me, how could she do that to me when I gave her everything?!"
Me: "Let her go, if she comes back, then you'll know it was meant to be."
Her: "But she won't! She said so."
Me: "Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the ocean."
Her: "But she was the one! I loved her!"
Me: "When God closes a door, He opens a window..."
Her: "I'm gonna get old and be alone and it will be terrible!"
Me: "Every cloud has a silver lining."
Her: "Dude, is that your hand on my ass?!"
Me: "Huh? Of course not. You're probably just a bit drunk."
Her: "Dammit, I wish I never met her! Now I'm such a mess."
Me: "Aww..."
Her: "Dude, what the f**k are you doing?"
Me: "Uh, nothing?...I just thought you could use a hug."
Her: "And your hand just happened to cup a feel?"
Me: "Uh... an accident, I swear..."
Her: "I'll show you an accident!"
Me: "NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOOOOO!!!"

*****

Despite the 'accidental' black eye, we're still friends of course. I drove her to her apartment and wished her luck. She thanked me for the company, she'd been wanting to punch someone in the face for days, apparently. Told you I'm such a swell friend.