Wednesday, June 2, 2010

"It's for your own good" and other classic lies


Sure, they're older, wiser and you owe them a lot, but dads sure have a lot of explaining to do once we wise up to the blatant lies that they've been selling us growing up. When you're a kid, you think your dad is nothing short of super, and you get into fights because the other kid tells you that his dad is better than your dad. Then you become a teenager and suddenly "super-dad" becomes "the-old-geezer-who-wouldn't-let-you-go-out-with-the-cool-kids". This is when the afternoon long lectures become a daily routine around the house. Well, it's time to expose the lies...

1. "I didn't smoke nor drink until I had a job to buy it myself!"

Yeah yeah... so you keep saying. But seriously, you didn't think we kids would find out about those old college pictures? Particularly the one where you're guzzling down a beer bong while holding a stick of cigarette? Wait, that'a not even a cigarette?!

2. "When I was your age, I never gave your grandpa any reason for him to hit me!"

Then I wonder why everytime grandpa unfastens his belt, you seem to break out a cold sweat and stop whatever your doing? It's also kinda odd that when grandpa was shouting at the referee on television about a bad call, you suddenly bolted out of the living room like a rocket and hid behind the sofa.

3. "I only hit you because I love you"

Fat chance any teen-aged boy ever fell for that one, bub. Let's face facts, there are probably a gazillion reasons that dads hit their sons when they're in their teens, from letting the car run out of gas to using his electric razor to trim hairs from "other" regions. Love simply isn't ever going to be one of them.

4. "After you're done cleaning the car, THEN I'll think about letting you use it."

Some things, you just have to learn the hard way, I guess.

5. "If you tell me the truth, I won't get mad."

Now, let's take a second to really think about this statement. There is just no way you're ever going to get away from this one, right? On one hand, you don't tell him the fact that your bike accidentally (of course) scratched the finish of his precious car, and he'll assume it was you anyway, and is extra pissed that you tried to hide it and get your whipping, as usual. On the other, you go all George Washington and confess, driving him nuts 9 different ways until he can't stand it and take it out on your ass anyway because....

6. "It's for your own good."

Okay, we get the point, our bad. We even tell them we'll never (consciously) do it again, and mean it, too. Can we move on and forget about it? Of course, not! Humiliation and pain are the best ways to educate sons, according to most fathers. It builds character and all that crap, and character is great way to get to "good-ness" apparently. The only "good" I can gather from this experience is that our daddies get to release their pent up stress. Makes you wish he took up a hobby or a sport, instead.

7. "I never lied when I was a kid."

Are you serious? You have got to be kidding me. I've got to give grandpa a call sometime.

8. "The guy at the store says that's the most popular shoe they've got!"

No dad, this dorky 'Dragonfly' isn't the most popular basketball shoe since, well, ever. And no, Michael Jordan didn't wear these here shoes to win any championships, you cheap bastard.

9. "It's the same thing!"

In what parallel universe is a Sony Playstation the same thing as that brick-game?

10. "When I was your age, I had 10 girlfriends!"

Now that's just unfair if it were true. That has to be a lie!

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