Drunken Anthropology

Had a late night last night, one which extended till the morning. Actually got home with the sun on my back. Rats. However, I was able to resist the temptation of alcohol despite a lot of bottles sitting right in front of me. I should be proud of myself!

So I woke up sluggish for work. Well, nothing new there, except that this time it was 10am, pretty late considering that call time at the office is at eight. Well, quite alright, I did put in a lot of hours at the office the past two weeks and figured they kinda owed me this laziness. I finally got going right before the lunch hour and had my usual breakfast along the expressway. Pretty irresponsible start to the Wednesday, I guess.

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I bought some onions and garlic last Monday on my way home from the business trip up north. This was garlic and onion country, after all and saw it fit to buy two garlands of garlic and half a kilogram of red onions. This wasn't the kind of produce that I usually pick up at the supermarket as these were quite fresh and they didn't stick in that rotten one as they do with the pre-packed ones that I always get. I got home and sauteed for myself some canned tuna for dinner. Nice.

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Now for some fun, since I've stopped drinking, I've started to observe people who drink around me. I particularly watch out for that point when they transcend the boundaries of being buzzed to being drunk. Turns out this is not so easily spotted, but watching the subject intently, you'll realize that exact moment comes so suddenly. Take loud-mouth for example, his voice changes to a raspier tone and higher pitch, and the volume increases, not to mention the amount of words he belts out without his noticing it. Then there's hand-gesture guy, you'll be able to gauge the specific alcohol content by the magnitude his hand gestures. Over beer time, he seems like a fascist dictator delivering a speech with all gusto. Pretty remarkable is quiet-guy, his voice lowers and fades to a whisper until you don't hear from him at all unless spoken directly to. But my favorite would have to be Don-Juan-guy, his game goes up a notch with every additional bottle over and above his saturation point.

Note that these observations were culled on a single weekend, imagine what discoveries I may uncover in the coming weeks ahead! The only problem is that I may soon lose this opportunity. My friends have already accused me of treason, and have threatened not to invite me to their regular stops and watering holes. I must admit, it does seem quite awkward to be drinking around some non-drinker. If I had been in their shoes, I would probably have threatened likewise. This gives me motivation to find new friends (or subjects) to observe and study. But where do I find them?

According to the Discovery Channel, most beasts will most likely wander around a watering hole. However, thanks to my experience from last weekend, it is worth noting that you need to stay a distance from these animals as they might perceive you as a threat and either distance themselves from you or charge right at you. Either does my research no good. I have to develop a strategy to get close to them without posing myself as a threat or an outsider. I've thought of hiding behind a bottle of beer myself but this is way dangerous given my alcoholic tendencies. The best I've come up with so far is to pretend I'm on anti-biotics, the perfect excuse not to drink. This should afford me a great opportunity to live amongst my subjects without arousing any suspicions.

Next on the agenda, which species do I stalk? Preferably, the opposite sex is the ideal target. However, thanks to a lifetime of trying, I conclude that these species are quite elusive and, let's face it, way way smarter than I. But there is a way to get around this, by applying the law of averages. How's that, you ask? By approaching a mixed group of both species, the collective IQ level thus evens out when mob mentality is introduced. Probably the perfect opportunity to stalk your prey. This would also give me a great source of data to work with, having a mixed species to observe. I should be able to arrive at a working conclusion in no time given such an ideal situation.

To be able to conduct this study, however, I realize that I should be equipped with enough resources. Judging from my current cash flow, I am in need of a sponsor. Of course, being a sponsor entitles someone to share the credit with me on this thesis. I totally don't mind, as long as my name is first. I foresee this study to be of great importance to society, possibly changing the way that it functions as well as impacting it much the same way Darwin's findings on the theory of evolution did.

I wonder, how do I sign up for the Nobel Prize?