Mortal Kombat: Dodo versus Chicken

Late last night, while driving through muck and debris, Nolan and I hit a dead end. We were looking for a house but didn't know how to get there. The dark night and scattered debris didn't help either, and hitting this wall, thought better give up the search. I attempt to back up, and turn on the beams to get a better view. Lo and behold, what seemed like a wall or a house was actually a river barge, straddled on the road with one end on a house's roof and the other seemingly intent on ramming the house across the street.

To imagine a 100 ton barge "parked" across the street is way beyond even my bored mind. A small plane or a helicopter I could dream up, but this sight was simply precious.

Naturally, we made up all sorts of explanations for this phenomenon. Didn't the barge's captain see the 'Boat No Entry' sign? This was something that you could tell someone else who wasn't there and they wouldn't be able to process a mental image. To see is to believe.

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An insight gained from my trip to CDO: Filipinos love chicken. On every street corner there seems to be a joint selling fried, roasted or barbecued chicken and almost all of them are doing good business. My theory is that chicken being cheaper than pork or beef, businesses have intentionally force fed the nation with our feathered friends to make bigger profits. Fast food joints all have fried chicken on their regular menus and the ever present deep-fried chicken ass or skin is a staple in every neighborhood drinking spree.

A month ago, I had a chance to run over a still clucking chicken on a national highway. Though not my intent, there was no way I was going to risk control over the car by swerving uncontrollably to avoid it. I waited for the agonizing crunch underneath, but then I was surprised that right at the moment I anticipated the fowl to be murdered, it flew above the hood, and bounced off the windshield. Horny flying chicken, Batman! The big surprise for me wasn't that it avoided certain death, but that I momentarily forgot that chickens do fly for limited durations.

Of course, with limited flying range, the chicken's survival as a specie is largely dependent on human's appetite for its meat. I doubt any wild chickens still run around in the wilderness. I conclude, therefore that an addendum to Darwin's theory of natural selection should be made. For instance, instead of simply limiting a specie's survival on their ability to adapt to changes to their environment, it should also be dependent on how good they taste with catsup. I've been trying to google literature to support my thesis that if a dodo's meat tasted better than chicken's, Colonel Sander's recipe should read Kentucky Fried Dodo. As expected, evil chicken farmers must have permanently suppressed all evidence.

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Speaking of extinction agendas, my dad has clearly exhibited his disdain of those cute, cuddly baby seals you find on the Discovery Channel. Remember those emails about hunters killing off that cute, furry, snow white baby seal? Consider my dad a supporter of the hunter's cause.

First, he can't find any evidence of their contribution to the global ecosystem. In a classic argument at home to determine who makes better sense, I got stumped when my dad asked what seals contribute to the ecosystem. I thought 'sea-lice' but was careful to restrain myself. John 1-Hap 0.

Second, they eat fish. Humans eat fish. My dad eats fish. Other more useful animals eat fish (such as our dog, Bob) and for the longest time those environmental activists have been warning us that fish are getting scarcer. My dad's solution was to kill off seals, blend their guts into fishmeal and scatter them all throughout the ocean for fishes to enjoy. My defense consisted of seals providing snacks to killer whales... shot down the moment it left my lips. Humans eat fish, Killer whales eat fish, Killer whales eat humans. For vengeance's sake, die Orca, die! John 2-Hap 0.

Third, the global oil crisis means we need to look for alternative sources of oil. Have you seen a seal? They're pretty much shaped like condoms loaded with blubber. A single adult seal could provide enough oil to light hundreds of superficial decorative oil-lamps, overly extravagant buffet food warmers and cigarette or crack cocaine lighters. I see the obvious flaw in the argument and lambaste his fascist intentions, claiming he's justified the world's need for seals! He ponders this thought, and conceded. All seals should be captured, caged, fattened up to the point of bursting and then processed for our global energy requirements. John 2-Hap 1,000,000,000 x 10exp6.

I win, of course, and have ensured the safety and survival of an entire species. In a few short years, my vision of a world feeding off chickens barbecued over the flames of a seal-oil burning grill shall be every man's utopian reality. No need to thank me, just pass the chicken ass, please?